PSA: The apocalypse and you

18 December 2012 by Pete Etchells, posted in Uncategorized

 

You may have heard that the world is ending this Friday. We don't know how, or when precisely - those damn dirty scientists know, but they're not telling us. But we do know that it's all because of the Mayans. As everyone knows from high school history, the Mayans were a group of people who lived about 20,000 years ago in what is now known as Sheffield, and had amazing powers over life, the universe and everything. They were responsible for a lot of innovations that we simply couldn't live without today: things like chocolate, paper, suitcases, and Jonathan Ross. They also invented the calendar, but I think they got tired of generating new dates after getting to December 21, 2012, so they stopped. And that's why the world's ending. Way to go Mayans.

Now, some of you may be asking "Pete, how do I survive the end of the world??!" Well, you can't - the clue's in the name. But that doesn't mean that we can't prepare ourselves as much as possible! Here are some handy tips and hints to help make your last few days before the apocalypse as easy and as stress free as possible:

 

1. PANIC

It's the END OF THE WORLD, you idiot! Why are you not panicking?!

 

2. Stock up

Ahem, sorry about that last one, but I needed to get it out of my system. Right, as in any disaster, it makes sense to be prepared. For the end of the world, that means you need to BUY ALL THE THINGS. Seriously, buy everything. For food, you're going to want to buy as much fresh fruit and veg as you can find, because it's tasty and nutritious. But don't forget the other things - sure, you want toilet paper (lots) and toothpaste, but don't forget things like cheese graters (which double up as elbow protectors) or mobile phone cases too (everything needs protection!). If you buy anything online, remember to order it for next day delivery - we can't be sure the postal service will be functioning noticeably differently come Saturday.

While we're at it, have you done your Christmas shopping yet? If you haven't, don't worry! Why not stick it to the apocalypse and have Christmas early this year? Here's my handy list of Christmas stocking fillers to help your loved ones survive the end times:

1. Plasters: Chances are, someone's going to have a boo-boo on Friday. You'll need some plasters to fix them up.

2. Zippo lighter: For holding up at the inevitable U2 benefit concert we'll see in the aftermath.

3. Something to read: There's not going to be much to do after the world ends. Buy them Ben Goldacre's new book, Bad Pharma, so they can comfort themselves in the knowledge that all of those evil drug companies have been destroyed by the Mayans.

4. Bear Grylls: He'd be useful in an apocalypse, and I'm sure he'd fit in a stocking. Be sure to give him some breathing holes (not too many though, he might get out of one of them).

 

3. Stop buying Mayan products

We might still be able to stave off the end times - all we need to do is economically ruin the Mayans before it's too late. According to this website I just read, the Mayans traded in all sorts of things - fish, squash, potatoes, corn, honey, toys, jewellery, and so on. Don't buy any of that stuff. Apparently they also traded chocolate too, so stop opening your advent calendars and stick it to the Man! Er, Mayan. Toys are a bit of a bummer though, but the kids are going to have to learn how to compromise. Apparently the Mayans also had an important service sector which included mathematicians, so we need to either stop adding things up, or solve all of the equations we've not figured out, AND FAST. Thankfully, Simon Singh's already on the case, so go get his book too.

 

4. Get another calendar

This is it. I've cracked it. The Mayans weren't the only ones to make calendars, you know. We've been making new ones for literally years! Go out and buy a new calendar before it's too late - preferably one that has dates after the 21st December in it. We can do it if we all work together! Stuck for suggestions? Go and buy the ScienceGrrl one. If you do, you might just save us all.

 


4 Responses to “PSA: The apocalypse and you”

  1. Eva Reply | Permalink

    But if I stop eating my advent calendar chocolate today, then THAT calendar stops at December 18, which is EVEN SOONER. Wouldn't it be safer to quickly eat all the chocolates and fast-forward past the 21st? Just to be sure?

    • Pete Etchells Reply | Permalink

      Hmmm, good point Eva. Yes, it's probably best to eat them all at once - no time for chewing though.

  2. Troy McConaghy Reply | Permalink

    Granny says that if you're out of Bear Grylls, then you can substitute with a MacGyver, but don't leave *anything* in the stocking with a MacGyver; he'll get out for sure.

  3. Ryan Reply | Permalink

    Nice post! People are too worried about what is going to happen, like they would have any influence on what is going to happen.

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